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Men Grieve Too: The Hidden Pain After an Abortion

If you’ve lost a child to abortion – whether it was your decision, her decision, or some painful combination – and you’re searching for answers because something inside you won’t settle, this article is for you. 

You’re not crazy. You’re not weak. And you’re not the only one. 

The Quiet Statistic Nobody Talks About 

Most conversations about abortion focus on the woman. That’s understandable, she’s the one going through it physically. But men experience real, measurable psychological effects after abortion, and the research that exists is consistent. 

In one of the few peer-reviewed clinical studies on post-abortive men, Coyle and Enright (1997) found that men who participated in a structured psychological intervention showed significantly greater increases in forgiveness and significant reductions in anxiety and grief compared to controls. The intervention worked because the underlying grief was real and clinically measurable in the first place. 

Other research suggests that PTSD-type symptoms can show up in a meaningful percentage of men involved in abortion decisions, sometimes more than a decade after the event. Common reported experiences include grief, guilt, depression, anger, sleep disturbance, substance use, sexual dysfunction, and a sense of having lost a future that was almost real. 

If you’re carrying any of this, you are not making it up. You are not weak for feeling it. You are reacting to a real loss. 

Why Men Don’t Talk About It 

There are at least four reasons why post-abortion grief in men stays underground: 

  1. Social scripts say it was “her decision,” so men feel they have no right to grieve. 
  1. Many men were not given clear information about what the procedure actually was and process the reality only years later. 
  1. Men whose partners experienced trauma from the abortion often suppress their own pain to support hers. 
  1. There are very few culturally acceptable spaces where a man can say “I lost a child” without being interrogated about politics. 

So, the grief goes inward. It comes out sideways: in anger that doesn’t fit the situation, in withdrawal from intimacy, in a hardness that the man doesn’t recognize in himself, in the way he picks up his other children differently. 

What Healing Actually Looks Like

 Healing is not forgetting. It’s not pretending. It’s not “getting over it.” Real healing for post-abortive men involves at minimum five things, in some order: 

  1. Naming what happened, in your own words, out loud to at least one safe person. 
  1. Grieving the child specifically not abstractly. Many men find it helpful to give the child a name or write a letter. 
  1. Working through the anger at her, at yourself, at circumstances, sometimes at God. 
  1. Receiving forgiveness both the receiving of it from God and the giving of it to others involved. 
  1. Stepping back into present life: being the father, husband, or man you are now, without using shame as a shield. 

This rarely happens by yourself, in your head, while still functioning at work. It almost always requires a relationship: a counselor, a small group of men, a pastor, a recovery program. 

Resources We Recommend

We offer post-abortion recovery at our center, but there are also great national programs to plug in to. The strongest national resources include: 

  1. Support After Abortion: Men-specific healing tracks including Keys to Hope and Healing and Unraveled Roots for Men. 
  1. Pick up a book: Reclaiming Fatherhood is a resource that we use for men who have been part of an abortion. Reach out if you are interested in a copy! 
  1. Prestonwood Pregnancy Center: If you’d rather start with a single in-person conversation before committing to a program, our male advocates at Prestonwood Pregnancy Center can sit with you, listen, and help you figure out which of these is the right next step. We also offer free counseling to men as well. 

How to Take the First Step

Call (972) 428-4700, text the same number, or email ppcmens@prestonwood.org. Tell whoever answers, “I’d like to talk to a male advocate about something that happened in the past.” That’s all. We’ll handle the rest. 
 
Our offices are in Richardson, Southwest Dallas, and Fort Worth. The conversation is free, confidential, and yours to lead. 

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