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How to Talk to Your Girlfriend When She’s Pregnant

Most men, when they find out their girlfriend is pregnant, freeze. The thing that follows the freeze is some combination of three impulses: solve, support, or vanish. All three, done without care, make things worse. 

This is a practical guide on what to actually say in the first hours, the first week, and the first month, and what to avoid saying that you might think is supportive. 

The Three Sentences That Almost Always Help 

If you say nothing else well in the first hour, say these three things, in some form, in your own voice: 

  1. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.” 
  1. “I love you. That hasn’t changed.” 
  1. “You don’t have to figure this out by yourself.” 

Notice what’s not there: no decision, no plan, no opinion on options. Those come later. In the first hour, she needs to know the relationship is intact, and you’re not retreating.

What Not to Say in the First Conversation

These sentences, even said with good intentions, tend to make the situation worse: 

  1. “I’ll support whatever you decide.” This sounds supportive but actually communicates “I don’t have a position, so this decision is entirely yours.” Most women hear this as abandonment, not respect. 
  1. “Are you sure?” She’s sure. Pregnancy tests are reliable. This sounds like denial. 
  1. “How did this happen?” Unless this is sincere reproductive-history curiosity, it sounds like blame. 
  1. “What are you going to do?” “You” is the wrong word. The right word is “we.” 
  1. “Just calm down.”  Never delegitimize her emotions. Acknowledge that you hear that she is scared, nervous, or unsure.  

Listening Better Than You Think You’re Listening

Most men, when their partner is scared, listen with one ear and start formulating responses with the other.  
 
Try this instead: when she says something hard, before you respond, repeat what you heard her say. Not word-for-word, but the essence: “It sounds like you’re terrified that this is going to derail your career.” Or: “What I hear you saying is that you don’t think I’m ready for this, and that’s part of what’s scaring you.” 
 
Reflective listening sounds awkward when you first try it, but it works. It tells her that her words are landing in your brain instead of being processed for a counterargument. 

The Conversation about Options

At some point in the first week, the conversation about what to do is going to come up. Here’s how to enter it without exploding it: 
 
Don’t start with what you want. Start with what she’s thinking. “What are the options you’ve been turning over?” “When you imagine the next year, what do you see?” 
 
Once she’s spoken, then share where you are, fully and once. “Here’s where I am: I want this baby but I’m scared. I know it’s going to be hard; I don’t want to push you, but I want you to know my heart.” 
 
Then stop. Let her sit with what you said. Don’t repeat it three times because you’re nervous. One full, honest moment is more powerful than five fragmented ones. 

The Conversation About Money

Money is going to come up. The temptation is to either overpromise (“I’ll figure everything out, don’t worry”) or under promise (“I don’t know how we can possibly afford this”). Both are wrong. 
 
The right move is to bring numbers. “Here’s what I make, here’s what we’d need, here’s where I think we can find help, here’s what I don’t know yet, but I’m going to find out by Friday.” Specificity beats reassurance every time. 
 
If you have not actually done this math, this is the week to do it. See our blog “I Can’t Afford a Baby: Resources That Can Help During Pregnancy” 

The Conversation You Can’t Avoid

If she has expressed that she is considering abortion, or has decided to pursue one, you cannot listen-and-reflect your way out of having a real conversation about it. You have to say what you think in a calm, respectful tone. 
 
Here’s a script that has worked for men we’ve coached: 
 
“I want to tell you where I am, and then I want to listen to where you are, and I want both of those to matter equally. I want this baby. I’m scared too and I want you to know that. I’m not going to pressure you, but I’m also not going to pretend I don’t have a heart in this. Can you tell me what is driving you toward an abortion right now?” 
 
Then really listen. The answers to that last question, what’s driving her, are usually the actual conversation. Not the abortion itself. The fear, the stress, the family pressure, the financial picture, the relational uncertainty. Those are the things you can address together. 

When You Don’t Know What to Say

Sometimes the best thing a man can say is: “I don’t have words for this. Can I just sit with you for a few minutes?” Silence with presence is enormously powerful. Most women never get it from the men in their lives. 

Where to Get Help

If you’d rather have this conversation with help (or you’ve already had it and it went badly and you don’t know what to do next) we can help. Prestonwood Pregnancy Center’s male advocates meet with men one-on-one, free of charge, at our three DFW locations: Richardson, Southwest Dallas, and Fort Worth. 
 
Call (972) 428-4700, text us, or email ppcmens@prestonwood.org. We’ve sat in this conversation more times than we can count, and we know how to help it go better. 

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